Eyes of Grace

Today marks my one year anniversary dating Janell :)

Before we dated we were friends for about a year. Initially we talked about problems we were having in our respective love lives. I was venting my frustration one day about not being able to 'find someone.' I narrowed down my scope of qualifications to three things: I would date someone who 1) was a strong believer and follower of Jesus, 2) pursued me enough to let me know I could pursue her, and 3) looked at me with "eyes of grace." Anything else could be worked out.

Eyes of grace became a catch phrase for us. It meant that we wanted to be looked at by a person the same way that we are looked at by God. I didn't want someone to overlook my wounds, failures, set-backs and weaknesses, or to love me in spite of them. I didn't want to muster manliness, material things or prestige. Rather, I wanted all of me to be loved and seen as an increasingly perfected work of God no matter what I looked like from the outside.

Of course you know I'm going to say that Janell met my criteria. She did. And she does. Every day she chooses to look at me as a man made in the image of God and has nearly made a study of supporting me. I love her for the way she loves me, but I also love her for her. She is the most prayerful, insightful, encouraging and generous person I know. Because she is so self-aware, she is conscious of her own short-comings. I love those too. Our weaknesses leave a void that only grace can fill. I hope Janell can see in my eyes God's grace and love for her.

Balliol Blessing

I've been nostalgic about Oxford this week. That nostalgia has brought me to the origins of Balliol and something prescribed by the co-foundress, Lady Dervorguilla of Galloway:

"...that better provision be made for the sustenance of the poor, for whose advantage it is our intent to labor, we desire that the richer members, in the Society of our Scholars, to be zealous to live so temperately that the poorer be in no way oppressed by the burden of the expense....And the Scholars themselves shall go to our Procurators, with all confidence, to inform them of their necessity."

This spirit of care and egalitarianism pervaded my time at Balliol. And I saw it in practice both coming and going.

First I was given the Clarendon Scholarship by the University, or more precisely by Oxford University Press, to study at Balliol. It covered tuition, room and board. But with that money I also had to cover expenses in the US. Once, funds got tight because of hardships associated with home and I informed the Dean 'of my necessity.' He issued a check to cover it.

At the end of my time, although I had been strict with my budget, I realized that I was very short of the amount needed to pay my battels (my expenses). From the money I did have, I also needed to pay to get home. Eventually I decided I would pay my battels on my credit card and keep the cash I had to go home.

I went to the registrar and told the woman at the desk I wanted to pay. Without looking up she asked my name. I told her. She looked up and repeated it to another woman, who, in turn, repeated it to a man on the floor below. They conferred. The first woman explained that they understood that I had had a personally difficult time while at Balliol and they wanted to pay my battels for the final term. I was elated! However, there was one last thing she needed to take care of: since I was leaving somewhat early and my room would be vacant there would be a surplus and would a check for the refund suffice? Now I was humbled and speechless.

I left England with $1,500.

I was told not to tell anyone because they couldn't do that often. Maybe I still shouldn't tell, buI will always, always be grateful for that gift, God's provision, and the Balliol kindness and care for the 'poorer' that has lasted 750 years.

SCAD

Last year I was accepted to SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design). I didn't go, but was glad to have the chance for my portfolio to be reviewed and to see if art was a viable option for me. I submitted some traditional drawings - portraits - and then some more abstract drawings and paintings. I decided to push the envelope a little and submit these drawings too. I feel emboldened by their acceptance. I feel that if I pursue my inclinations and impulses in the art-making process - whether professionally or not - there will be someone who can track with that process. You might be surprised at a couple, but here goes....

Leave a comment if you'd like to see the rest of the portfolio.

A Shift

Am I making an ideological and aesthetic shift away from Expressionism? Current preferences:

                                 

Silence

In college (#3) I helped edit a journal. The theme was 'silence'. All contributors gathered together to perform various writing exercises, one of which was to discuss the nature of silence. I made the point that there is no such thing as true silence.

Of course this was famously stated and experimented on by the composer John Cage. He said (in his book called Silence):

                                There is no
such thing as silence. Something is al-
ways happening that makes a sound.
No one can have an idea
once he starts really listening.
It's very simple but extra-urgent
The Lord knows whether or not
the next

He believed in the (he might have hated this phraseology) musicality of sound - the idea that sounds in themselves are deeply active, interesting and pleasing. There's no need to order them or duplicate them as such. They don't need to personify or [snuff break] mean something. Sounds can just be sounds. And it is okay for sounds to overtake what we would like to believe is silence.

His (in)famous illustration is in his piece 4'33'' ( four minutes, thirty-three seconds) where the pianist, or orchestra members, approaches their instrument but plays nothing. The conductor conducts three movements of varying lengths of silence. The music is the concert hall, whatever ambient sounds arise. (Watch a YouTube performance: there's a strange mirror-in-mirror effect. People pay to hear instrumentalists not play, pay to hear each other hold in coughs - being and not being part of the music.)

For some reason this topic, as I find out now and may at one time have known, is not unrelated to the fact that I think of canvases painted white. Robert Rauschenberg, a year earlier than 4'33'', painted White Paintings. He wrote of them in a letter that they deal "with the suspense, excitement and body of an organic silence, the restriction and freedom of absence..." Among other complex ideas, they surpassed the limits of two-dimensionality and pigmentation to create a space-receptacle for shadow, dust, life-noise. Cage and Rauschenberg became well acquainted with each other and shared ideas and influences that go deep. But this entry is long already.... I'll be quiet now.